Depression Sets In Once Again

For those that know me, you know I have had rough times in my past. Periods where I would go through pretty bad cases of depression, usually without reason whatsoever. For the most part over the last year and a half I have banished those times from my life completley. But every once in a while I drop down a little....Tonight (this weekend?) is one of those times.

The cause? about the only thing that still gets me down like this. Lack of friends, companions, social life, etc. I got off work early today, I was home by 4:30...what have I done since then? Absolutly NOTHING. I watched lots of tv, played some video games, and watched some more videos on my computer. thats basically sums up what i have done for the last 8 hours. sad yes, story of my life? ...even more so.

Even my mom who hasnt had a social life for most of mine spend most friday nights these days hanging with friends untill 4 in the morning...when was the last time i was even awask at 4 in the morning....no fucking clue

Straight to the point, i have no life. at least not when I am not seeing my girlfriend. I'm not saying I CANT have a life without her, its not like i am completley dependant on her for fun, i just simply DONT have a life or friends, or at least not any that i see outside of work, or when My girlfriend isnt around.

I am a sad sad little man. But i'm mostly used to it, its been this way my entire life. never any really good friends. I moved from my home town at 13, i never had many friends there. In my new home i had a couple friends, but for the most part we only saw each other in school. Things have only gotton worse over the years, less and less friends, and those that i do have I certainly wouldnt call "good" friends. they NEVER call me, they always forget to include me in things, half the time when they are around they dont want to do anything anyway.

So i went away for a year, made some new friends...that have never kept in touch, no matter how hard i try, even moved in with one of them for like 3 months. later found out that he was living in my province for 4 months before he contacted me...days before he went back home.

So i got a job in a new city, made a bunch of friends there. some that I though were really good...untill they stopped ever calling me, replying to my calls or emails. EVER.

So i went off to school in a differant city..made a bunch of classmates who never invited me to the parties or whatever it is they do with out me. Keep in touch with none of them cause none of them keep in touch with me even though they keep in touch with each other.

So why the fuck do i always attract the same kind of friends? the ones that put no effort into the relationship and honestly dont seem to care if we never see or hear from each other again?

The current group of friends i have, are coworkers and i have notthing against them, we sit in a room with each other for 8 hours a day 5 days a week, understand us not seeing each other often outside of work...but WTF about EVERYBODY else?

Honestly? why have i been doomed my entire life to have no worthwile friends? if i were to ever get married i have no idea who my groomsman/best man will be..no fucking idea...none of my "friends" deserve it. they all ditch me and ignore me every chance they get....yet i keep trying to be friends with them? why? cause they are the only fucking friends i have and ever will have.

oh well...so guess what i'm doing this weekend? thats rig7ht,. the same fucking thing i've been doing all night.

"If it ain't real - fake it!If it ain't yours - take it!If it's all gone bad - forsake it!If it ain't broke - break it..."